And so I live...

It is the end of the year and I'm in a retrospective mood.

It's been more than a year since the day I woke up with grey patches in my eyes and after many tests, a sighing Dr Chuah informed me that I have myopic macula degeneration.

On hindsight, I realised I had almost 0gone through all the stages of the Kuber-Ross Extended Grief Cycle. Yes, even the Depression stage. I have so far only talked this over with a couple of people, one of whom is somebody from the SOS. Now I can unashamedly admit that, strong as I seemed in the past 16 months, I had suicidal thoughts the first two months following the diagnosis.

It was surreal. It was as if I was planning someone else's demise. I was logically and coolly planning how I'd end my own life. My past training told me I was in serious trouble, and also gave me the tools to start helping myself. A few of you will understand what training I am referring to. I started talking to others about these thoughts to get it out of my system, crying a great deal in the process.

But what really galvanised me to start getting stronger were two things. One, I was hospitalised in Sept for heart palpitations due to acute stress. The second, I was told that my younger brother, Edwin, had cried when he was told I was hospitalised. I didn't like the thought that whatever was happening to ME was affecting my family that way.

Of course I still have my bad days, which usually happens when I get frustrated trying to accomplish a task that is made difficult by my impaired vision eg. painting my toe nails. But then I ask myself it is really that important. Most times it ends with me laughing at the absurdity of the situation, and followed by a visit to the Macula Degeneration Society to see if there is a visual aid that can help me in the same situation in future.

I haven't quite reached the Acceptance stage. I feel that I am still in the Testing stage-still trying to find solutions to some of my problems. One good thing in the past 16 months, is that this episode has made me believe ithat there is a always a way round an obstacle. It is the adage that has influenced me most in the changes I have mde in my personal life. One day, when I am ready, I will start making changes to my working life.

It may sound mushy and religious-like but I thank God everyday for the friends and family that has been so supportive, and instrumental, in my healing process. From those who willingly gave me a "helping eye" (reading menus etc) whenever I am too tired to use my magnifiers, to those who have gently helped me start living again by doing stuff with me (swim, walk, watch movies etc..), enabling me to gain confidence to do these things on my own.

And so I live...